What the....

One of those nights that I want to wrap myself in pity and cry until I can't cry anymore.
I hate ALS. More than anything in the world, I hate ALS. I hate that it's taken so much from my family...I hate the pain that we all go through, everyday of our lives because of this disease.
Do you know what its like, to watch someone you love go through this? Helplessly stand by and let it take their arms, legs, lungs, and voice? To know that nothing you can do, or say, will make anything better? What it's like to just want to wake up...and the last 2 years have been some horrible dream?
It's pretty much...gut-wrenching, indescrible pain. It's a hurt that never leaves. It's just...there...all the time.
I think that so much of the pain comes from knowing that my dad HATES living like this. This is not the life he expected to live out. It's not fair, to him, my mom, us. It's a really...shitty hand to be delt in life, on top of all the other shitty hands that were delt to us.
I try, so hard, to be strong. I don't let myself breakdown infront of anyone, other than Jamie. But sometimes, that pain is so strong it takes my breath. I literally feel like the air is being squeezed out of my chest.
I just want it to stop...I want my old life back. I don't like this path, this journey, this daily walk with pain. I don't care if it builds character or makes me stronger. I just want my dad back.